Tuesday, September 19, 2017

A Good Man Is The Most Difficult Kind Of Man To Love


It is a hard thing to love a good man. A good man is not a nice man – he does not do things to be nice, he does things because he has a moral code, a set of values he prioritizes and will always do his best to make sure that his actions are in line with his own personal standards. A good man will not do the easy thing or the convenient thing, or even the thing that he wants to do; he will do what he knows to be the good thing. 
He will never lie to you to spare your feelings or attend something because social constructs deem it the courteous or polite course of action, and he will in fact do many things that anger and frustrate you. But you cannot get mad at him, because after all, he is a good man.
A good man is the man who will take his ex-girlfriends call while he’s with you, because he knows that she has anxiety and would only ever call in an emergency, and he is obligated as a good man to do whatever he can to help even when it makes those around him uncomfortable. 
A good man will put the wants of friends and family before his own needs, even when he recognizes that his friends and family are being manipulative or selfish, because a good man is always loyal. Worst of all, a good man will believe that his unflinching honesty about not wanting a relationship will negate his increasingly relationship-like actions, the kind of thoughtful deeds that a good man would deem necessary in any and all interactions with a female, despite the confusion they would cause. 
And the lucky woman who gets to spend this time with a good man will not ever get upset, because how could anyone ever be mad at such a good man? Any woman knows that in todays world of non-relationships, to be given the gift of such open communication is a true blessing, even when it hurts.
To be with a good man is certainly difficult, but to then be without one is devastating. No one can fault a good man for making the logical decision to end an arrangement, especially when he is not doing it for himself. Of course a good man will always be courteous and gentle, which then makes getting over him essentially impossible. 
A good man will change you; you will bask in the warmth of hours upon hours of meaningful conversation and the knowledge that your good man isn’t doing this for any other reason other than his genuine interest in you and your thoughts. And so a good man, despite his flaws and sometimes irritating habits towards goodness, has set the bar so high that no chance encounter at a local pub or conversation on tinder will feel like they can ever come close to your good man. 
And since you cannot get mad at a good man, you will not be able to get over him either, and will instead sit at your desk writing a horribly clichéd piece about him so as to distract yourself from texting him on his birthday, because you don’t want that good man to feel bad for inspiring such feelings that would make you remember his birthday 4 months after your non-relationship has ended. 
Feelings that he tried to keep you from having, because he is a good man, and feelings that you could not have kept from having, because he is a good man. So it is true that finding a good man is hard, but keeping one is even harder and losing one is simply impossible – impossible to deal with, impossible to accept, and certainly impossible to let go.




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Tuesday, June 20, 2017

WHY YOU’RE UNHAPPY IN A GREAT RELATIONSHIP AND WHAT TO DO ABOUT IT



We’ve all been in enough bad relationships to know when we have something good, which makes it that much more devastating when you’re unhappy with your partner. However, if your love is something worth preserving, there’s hope. As the cliché goes, relationships, even the best and most compatible, take a lot of work. If you’re not feeling the love with your partner, here are five potential reasons why, and what you can do to change it.

1. You have unrealistic expectations.

Having high expectations for your relationship can cause you to feel dissatisfied, and, in turn, unhappy. By comparing your love story to The Notebook, you could be facing major disappointment. In light of the overly-romantic plots or over-the-top gestures often hyped in film and news media, your relationship may not seem as good as it really is. However, every relationship has different things that make it work and make a couple compatible, harmonious and happy.

If you know you know you’ve been having unrealistic expectations for you and your partner, it’s time to wise up. Instead of expecting your significant other to be romantic or on-point all the time, understand that this will never be the case. Resist the urge to compare your relationship to others’, especially ones on the silver screen. Instead, focus on the positives in your relationship and why you make such a great couple.

2. Things are becoming habitual.

Once you and your partner have started to get into a comfortable routine, it’s easy to find yourself suddenly missing the passion that used to be. If you live together, partners can start to feel more like roommates than soul mates. The loss of infatuation is a natural part of the relationship process. Still, when it feels like you’re stuck in a rut and you’ve lost your “spark,” you won’t be nearly as happy as you could be in a relationship, no matter how compatible you are.

To break up your routine, try doing something new with your partner. Take a class or learn something new together. Go on a weekend getaway, or have a special date night someplace you’ve never been before. Even doing something as small as making a new meal together can remind you of the things you love about your partner.

3. You’re over-thinking things.

If you’re one of those people who reads too much into everything, beware: your relationship may suffer. Analyzing every detail of your love life could cause you to think that the natural conflicts and imperfections that you have as a couple are worse than they really are. The same goes for reading too much into your future, individually or as a couple. Although it’s tempting to speculate, and a little analysis can be good, when over-indulged the urge to brood can cause minor problems to bloat out of proportion.

Instead of thinking about all the details of your relationship, try to look at the big picture. Think of the important aspects of your relationship and what keeps it together. This will show you that minor arguments and differences of opinion won’t ruin the whole affair, and that your relationship is strong and happy.

4. There’s a communication gap.

When the lines of communication in a relationship are strained, it can cause many problems. If you or your partner have feelings — however small — of jealousy, resentment or anger, and don’t talk about it, those emotions can build up. Without even realizing it, you could become completely unhappy in a wonderful relationship, all because of a few missed conversations.

To make sure you are as happy as possible with your partner, learn to talk about everything. Even if you know the conversation won’t be pleasant, dispel any negative feelings in a calm manner. In future, dealing with issues as they come up will help prevent negative emotions from getting out of hand and cause your relationship to grow much stronger.

5. You’re feeling stressed.

Yes, weirdly enough, the reason you may be feeling happy in your relationship could have nothing to do with your relationship at all! If you’re stressed about your work, money issues, school or any other reason, it could affect your happiness, and in turn your relationship.

To keep yourself sane and happy, try hard to de-stress. Take time each day to do something that makes you happy. Do your utmost to keep on top of outside issues, and don’t be afraid to ask your partner for help or forbearance if you’re feeling especially swamped. Identifying outside sources of stress and learning to manage stress effectively can help you and your relationship weather the storm safely.

If you know your relationship is enviable, but you’re not feeling as happy as you should be, you’re not alone. Whether it’s stress, bad communication or over-analyzing that’s making you unhappy, being aware of your relationship’s strengths and weaknesses and dealing with them effectively can help you to get your love back on track.



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Wednesday, June 7, 2017

How To Find Your Dream Girl

If You've Been trying to optimize your online dating game to find a good girl, figure out how to pick up women at the gym, or meet women in general, you're on the right track. That said, there are plenty of ways to help make women more attracted to you. Use these 30—and, hey, good luck out there. 

1. Think more about who you are than how you look

A person with positive personality traits is much more attractive to the opposite sex than the same person without those traits, a 2014 study found. So buff your character and boost your brain to win more dates.

2. Clean yourself up...

In one poll, 85% of single women said they’d prefer a well-dressed man over a rich one. That doesn’t mean a suit and tie, says psychotherapist Moushumi Ghose, M.F.T. “Jeans are fine—just add a little something to make it nicer than normal,” like a cool jacket or a (wrinkle-free) shirt that matches your eye color.

3. ...but not too much

Skip the power shave: Evolution & Human Behavior found that women think a light beard or heavy stubble is sexier than a close shave.

4. Having said that: Ditch the bun and trash the ’stache

A man bun is kryptonite to 63% of women, and just 2% in a West Coast survey thought a mustache was sexy. But keep the chest mat—73% said they dig some body hair.

5. Be Authentic

“If she’s the one for you, she’ll be attracted to who you truly are,” says Ginnie Love, Ph.D., author, and intuitive psychotherapist. “So be yourself, and if that isn’t enough for her, no worries—it will be for the one who finds you.”

6. Give her an eyeful

If you have a little bit of game, use your eyes to get the green light: Glance down at her lips, and if she nods or smiles, that’s a good signal you won’t get a stiff arm when you make your move.

7. Don’t freak out if you’re not a muscleman

Sure, women like men with bigger muscles—if they’re looking for a short fling, a UCLA study found. But in long-term relationships, it’s not a key factor.

8. Spiff up your social media

About 48% of single women check out their date on Facebook first, so get rid of any unflattering pics or reveries on SI swimsuit models.

9. Get her laughing

About 97% of single women say how funny a man is is as important as how he looks. And a Psychological Reports study found that a guy’s more likely to get a woman’s digits if he uses humor. So steer clear of serious topics at first. Think about how you are when you’re in a playful, comfortable mood. And don’t be too sarcastic or too touchy. Keep it light and simple. Ask her questions, and definitely compliment her.

10. Don’t play the role of a trainer unless you are one

At the gym? Don’t correct her form or “suggest” how to do a move. Instead, offer to spot her, says author and sexologist Susan Block, Ph.D. If you get a conversation going, talk about your weekend, mention your dog...

11. Find love on Aisle 9

The low-key, family-friendly vibe of a grocery store gives some level of comfort and safety, says Love. “If the cues are right, make your way over and introduce yourself. It’s that easy.” But skip anything canned (so to speak): One-liners like “Are those melons fresh?” get guys eye rolls, not dinner dates.

12. Learn (yes, learn) how to relax

“Take deep, slow breaths to calm down enough to be your best self,” says Love. If that means mastering proper nose breathing—which calms you and makes your brain sharper, a Northwestern University found—it’s worth it. (Try the calm.com app—it’s free!)

13. Give her top billing

It may seem obvious, but ask her about herself and she’ll be more likely to feel connected to you. In other words: When you’re on a date together, don’t aim to make her think you’re the most interesting person in the room—aim to make her think she is. Be aware of what not to say on a first date, too. 

14. Don’t be a braggart

Got a fast car, hot job, sweet pad? Keep them to yourself. Wearing your heart on your sleeve can be endearing—but not your wallet.

15. Get a dog

Then go to the dog park. To a good woman, good dog=good man, says Block. Plus, right from the start, you know you have something in common.

16. Surprise her with surprising flattery

“If she thinks she’s smart, tell her she’s pretty,” “If she thinks she’s pretty, tell her she’s smart.” Keeping her a bit off-balance—as long as you’re not a dick about it—will up the intrigue.

17. Know when to play the old-fashioned gentleman

Treat her right. Make her feel special. Respect her, says Love. And a feminist streak is great, but bury it when the bill comes: 77% of couples say the guy should pay on the first date.

18. Look for the linger

If she keeps close to you—even if her eyes or head is down—or she stays through awkward moments when it seems you’ve run out of things to say, you’ll know it’s time to make the first move.

19. If you’re not sure, ask

No good at reading body language? Just say, “You’re really beautiful. I’d like to kiss you,” and wait. If she doesn’t say no or run, go for it.

20. Like her? Don’t play games.

If you’re genuinely interested in a second date, let her know right away, and try to make a date for three to four days later. Vulnerability (she may say no) combined with confidence (you’re asking her anyway) shows sexiness and strength.

21. Know her go-to mode of communication

Does she consider emails and text messages tacky? Phone calls annoying? Find out... “That way, you meet her in her comfortable space.”

22. Make sure your social media profile reflects you positively

About 48% of women check out a dude on Facebook before the first date.

23. If you cancel a date, reschedule asap

Consistency is key at the start. If something comes up, set up a new date right away, lest she think you’ve developed cold feet about meeting up.

24. Don’t forget: Sex isn’t a contest...

It doesn’t matter how long you go, or if you come every time (though it doesn’t hurt to try and make sure she does). “Sometimes it’s about the closeness and connection.”

25. ...then again, don’t be afraid to be a sexy beast

Once you’re more intimate, “text her sexy messages that let her know you desire her.” That’s text, not sext—unless she starts it, keep your Anthony Weiner side on a choke chain.

26. Prove you’re paying attention

Do things that let her know you hear her. If work’s stressing her, suggest something to help—a spa getaway, making her dinner, giving her a foot massage. She won’t forget.

27. Be passionate about showing her respect

Let her know how much you admire her and look up to her. Keeping the passion up is all about respect, admiration, and appreciation.

28. Fight gently

In the moment, men often forget they’re larger and their voices are deeper. Speak kindly and soft.

29. Give her space if she wants to take a break

Just hit the bricks and see what happens. A breakup doesn’t need to be final—but if you stalk her, it will be.

30. If you need to call it quits, do it kindly

“We all know when the spell’s been broken,” says Love, “when not just the attraction but the desire and communication are gone.” But splitting civilly earns you good karma—not to mention good word of mouth around town (or the Internet). And that certainly can’t hurt in the long run.



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Thursday, May 25, 2017

Yes, It Is YOUR Job To Make Your Husband Happy

Why do so many of us buy into the myth that marriage is supposed to make us happy?



I’m glad to see how marriage has evolved. It used to be much more transactional — happening principally to foster economic benefits or social standings or to produce children — but nowadays people typically choose to commit themselves legally to each other for far more noble goals. More and more people marry with the intention of experiencing lasting love and companionship.
Unfortunately, too many women I know get married and somehow, perhaps unconsciously, expect their husbands to make them happy. When things get hard — and they always do — rather than looking inward at where they may be at fault, too many women point the finger toward their partners. They blame him (or her) for the problems in their relationship. “If he would just pay more attention to me our marriage would be great!” or “If she would just help more around the house, things would be so much better.”
Frustrated and hurt, these women compound the problems in their relationships by judging and criticizing they partner. Then the punishment escalates and they withdraw and withhold sex, affection, and attention.
“He can make his own damn dinner!” 


“I’m not having sex with him again until he apologizes!” 
“His clothes can mold in the washing machine for all I care!” 
“I don’t give a shit what he does. I’m right and he’s wrong!” 
So many women sit there in judgment and righteousness while their relationship falters. They expect a near perfect mirror image of themselves, someone who agrees with them and who behaves the way they want them to behave. 
These women let their hurt and anger run roughshod in their relationships. Small resentments turn into poisonous darts. Fights over the dishes become biblical. 
But the fights are almost never really about the dishes.
They’re about not feeling cared for, about feeling taken advantage of, about not feeling heard or seen. They simply do not feel loved or appreciated enough by their spouse.


Too often these women — even the strongest, smartest, most independent of them — weirdly believe that if they inflict enough pain back onto their partners or exact enough control of them, they’ll suddenly get with the program. Instead, the opposite usually happens. Their partners  not feeling loved enough and tired of feeling nagged, controlled, and criticized — do the opposite. They withdraw and tune out. And the cycle of drama and dysfunction only becomes more vicious and protracted. 
It becomes uglier and more painful.
It’s like that old prophetic bumper sticker: The beatings will continue until the morale improves. But the morale never improves!
Never does treating someone badly give you what you want — at least not in a healthy relationship based on trust and safety. 
You can fight. You can yell. You can withhold. You can sit there in your judgment and self-righteousness, running the narrative in your head over-and-over again about how you’re right and how he’s wrong, wrong, wrong. How he’s a selfish asshole. A frustrating idiot. An uncaring egomaniac.
But let me ask: How’s that working for you? 
Does that ever really get you what you want?
I know this damaging, dysfunctional pattern far too well. I used to be that woman who felt hurt, angry, unseen, and unheard. I also didn't feel loved enough by my husband
What did I do? Looking back, I admit that I did some crazy shit. And it is shit. Why did I ever think that punishing my husband by turning away from him and harboring resentments would EVER get me what I wanted? How could I possibly think that punishing him and withdrawing from him would magically give me more love, attention, praise, and affection? It’s nuts. It’s self-sabotage.
Why do so many of us do this? Why do you do this?
Ladies, if you want to be happy in your marriage, make it your job to make your husband (or wife) happy. 
Quit waiting around for someone else to go first, sponge up your hurts, love you perfectly, make you happy or  God forbid  "complete" you.
My marriage brought me to my knees. I was with someone brilliant, generous, funny, charming, and so much more. But Jesus, how we pushed each others’ buttons. The pain I felt in our relationship as a result was excruciating. 
After FINALLY figuring out that punishing him for my hurt gave me the opposite of what I want, I came to the last possible conclusion. I decided that I needed to change. I decided to try more love and tenderness and less judgment and punishment. 
I decided to do all that I could to make him happy and feed and nurture our marriage.
A mentor of mine, David Bell, said something brilliant to me, “Trying to change another person is an act of aggression. Trying to change yourself is an act of love.”
It took me a long time to understand this and act on it. 
I now know that love starts with me. And it’s changed everything.
I decided to put 150 percent of myself into our relationship and not sit around keeping score or waiting for love to wash over me. I stopped waiting for someone else to make me happy.
What’s happened as a result has been brilliant. I started tuning much more actively into my husband  prioritizing him, touching him regularly (holding his hand, sitting very close to him, hugging him, rubbing his shoulders, etc), more actively praising and appreciating him, and — crucially  not letting my ego get the best of me and not letting my need to be right lead to Armageddon. As a result, I have managed to bring out the best in my husband. 
Our relationship has become light years better, and I feel much happier and more empowered.
Now, it must be said: If you really make it your job to make your partner happy and he (or she) exploits your efforts or never truly reciprocates — never meeting your love with love  you may be in a deal breaker scenario. Despite your best efforts, you may be with someone who is unable or unwilling to love you back and you will probably need to terminate the relationship.
I have written a book that covers the painful drama of my marriage, and what we did to beautifully transform it. The book is called Radical Acceptance: The Secret to Happy, Lasting Love. It goes on sale May 2nd. You can click to pre-order your copy here.
If you’re willing to do the work and put in the love; if you’re willing to open your heart and mind to the idea that love starts with you, and it’s your job to make someone else happy, Radical Acceptance can also transform your relationship!





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Thursday, May 11, 2017

Long Distance Relationship? Ways To Stay Connected And Close


So you're involved with this amazing person.
He is everything you want in a love partner. She is so exciting, loving, and beautiful.
When the two of you are together, it's magical. You want to spend every moment together learning more about each other and deepening your intimacy.
But there's just one problem . . .
You live far apart.
Not just across town far apart. I'm talking hundreds of miles away far apart. In another city, another state, or even across the country.
Both of you see the potential for a serious, committed relationship. Maybe you already are serious and committed.
But you don't get to spend much time together due to your careers, education choices, or simply the uncertainty about whether you are committed enough for one of you to pick up and move to be with the other.
You might see each other every other weekend, or maybe once a month for a long weekend.
The physical separation is gut-wrenching for both of you. It's hard to be apart from the person you love or care about deeply.
By the nature of being separated for long periods of time, your relationship is bound to develop more slowly and haphazardly.
You don't have hundreds of daily face-to-face opportunities to connect, touch, reassure one another, and work through the inevitable differences and conflicts of any relationship.
You don't get to observe one another often enough in the real-world situations that give you insight into your lover's character, personality, and ability to deal with stress.
There are so many built-in strains and potential pitfalls with a long-distance relationship that can tear the two of you apart.
Miscommunication, jealousy, boredom, and frustration can take a toll on your motivation and commitment to stick it out.
But even with these difficulties, it is possible to make a long distance relationship work and to thrive as a couple.

If you are in a long distance relationship, here are 20 ways to stay connected and nurture your love:

1. Discuss your levels of commitment.
A long distance relationship can't work unless both of you are on the same page about your commitment to each other and to keeping the relationship healthy.
If one of you is completely committed and monogamous while the other wants the option to see other people, the relationship is doomed to fail.
Talk honestly about your willingness and motivation to make the relationship work, and define specific ground rules related to monogamy, communication, and visits.
2. Communicate daily.
Make the effort to connect every day, even if you only have time for a quick call or text. Staying in touch keeps you in each other's thoughts and hearts so that “out of sight” doesn't devolve into “out of mind.”
If possible, try to use Facetime or Skype so you can see one another when you talk. This makes your communication more intimate and real, as you can see each other's expressions and gestures.
In the morning, share your plans for the day. In the evening, talk about how your day went, your feelings about interactions and events of the day, and anything interesting, funny, or unusual that you experienced.
Even in regular relationships, communication takes some time and effort, but it is key to building intimacy and growth in the relationship.
3. Schedule frequent visits.
Try to spend time together as often as possible. There's no substitute for face-to-face interactions.
Make a plan together about how often you will visit one another and who will travel when. Discuss the costs of traveling and how you both can to contribute to a travel fund.
If money is tight, brainstorm ways to make travel more affordable (ie: driving rather than flying) or how you can save or earn extra money to see each other.
Schedule your trips far in advance so you both have something to look forward to.
4. Ask each other questions.
When you aren't together (and even when you are), one of the best ways to get to know one another and to become closer as a couple is through mutual questioning.
By asking each other insightful and probing questions, you'll learn more about your partner's deepest desires, fears, motivations, and needs. You'll also become more self-aware as you look within to answer these questions yourself.
If you'd like some great questions for couples to build intimacy and trust, check out my book, 201 Relationship Questions: The Couple's Guide to Building Trust and Emotional Intimacy.
5. Know each other's love language.
You may have heard about the five love languages, popularize by Dr. Gary Chapman in a book by the same name.
Our love language is the way we prefer to give and receive love, and they include words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch.
Both of you can take Dr. Chapman's quiz to determine your primary and secondary love languages. Once you do, discuss your love languages with each other and some of the specific ways you'd like your partner to express these to you.
Brainstorm creative ways you can give your partner what he or she needs, even long distance.
6. Deal with your own fears and frustrations.
Being in a long distance relationship is going to exacerbate your relationship fears and anxieties. You may worry that your beloved will forget you or grow tired of not seeing you.
You may worry that he or she will meet someone else, someone who isn't “geographically undesirable.”
You may feel frustrated, lonely, and unhappy with the situation at times.
All of these feelings are normal and expected, but unless you have a real reason to worry that things are on the rocks, try to find ways to manage your feelings.
Talk to friends or a counselor about your feelings. Try to keep your thoughts positive rather than dwelling on negative possibilities or frustrations.
7. Share mutual interests — even long distance.
Just because you're apart doesn't mean you can't do things together.
You were probably attracted to this person in the first place because of your mutual interests. Even if you can't participate in these interests side by side, you can both pursue your interests and discuss them when you talk.
Maybe you both love movies or reading, so share what you have watched or read. Maybe you both enjoy running or playing a sport. Support one another in these efforts.
Cultivate closeness by cultivating these interests, so when you are together, you can pick up right where you left off.
8. Talk about your hopes, dreams, and fears.
Vulnerability and openness are key to emotional intimacy in a relationship.
By sharing your innermost fears, desires and dreams with your beloved, you are drawing him or her closer to you.
Discussing your hopes and dreams together and actively listening to each other's thoughts helps you build trust and attachment.
When you share your insecurities, you create a loving, safe space that only the two of you can enter.
9. Discuss your approach to conflict.
Conflict is part of being in a relationship. There will be areas of disagreement and misunderstanding between the two of you.
In the early stages of a long distances relationship, you are still showing your best side to the other person.
Everything is new and exciting, and since you see each other infrequently, the time together is more like a honeymoon than a seasoned connection.
But at some point, something will happen that causes conflict, and it may take you off guard. That's why it's important to talk about how  you both will approach conflict before it happens.
Discuss how you've approached conflict in past relationships and what your mutual goals are related to dealing with it going forward. How can you manage conflict in an emotionally mature and healthy way?
10. Work through big problems in person.
If you bump into some major areas of conflict or disagreement, don't try to sort through them by text or phone. This is the time when a face-to-face discussion is necessary.
Don't avoid these conversations or minimize them because you don't want to upset the fragile equilibrium of your long distance connection. If you do, you'll open the door for resentments and simmering frustration.
Handle big problems as quickly and forthrightly as you can — in person.
11. Continue to discuss your couple status.
From time to time, take the pulse of your relationship by discussing your status as a couple.
How are things going between you? What might need to shift or change?
Do you both still feel the same way you did when you first agreed on a long distance relationship? Do you feel things are growing closer between you, or are you stagnating?
Make sure you are still both on the same page related to your commitment, and if you are, discuss how you can make the connection even stronger.
12. Develop your personal interests.
When you miss your partner during times of separation, it's easy to put the rest of your life on hold until the next time you see him or her.
You might neglect some of your previous interests and passions because life just seems bland and empty without your beloved.
For your own mental health and for the sake of the relationship, don't neglect your outside interests. Even if it feels like nothing else matters except your lover, you will be a more engaging, interesting person when you are engaged in life.
13. Spend time with family and friends when together.
Reinforce your “coupleness” by spending time with one another's friends and family when you are together.
These important people may hear a lot about this amazing person in your life, but if you hide away when the two of you are together, you won't feel like a real couple experiencing normal couple interactions.
It's valuable for your special people to get to know the man or woman you love and for you to see how he or she interacts with them. It's also important to see the kinds of people your guy or woman has chosen as friends.
14. Spend time with family and friends when apart.
Your friends and family can be a great support for you when you are separated from your partner.
Don't neglect these important relationships because you are “biding time,” waiting for the next visit from your beloved, or because you feel sad and lonely without him or her.
When you're involved in an exciting, new relationship, it's easy to get so wrapped up and distracted that you spend less time with the other important people in your life.
With a long distance relationship, you have the time to maintain your friendships and connections — so take advantage of that.
15. Keep the sexual spark going.
Absence can make desire grow stronger, but the times in between can be frustrating and difficult. You both need physical intimacy to keep the fire in the relationship going.
Depending on your comfort level and creativity, use technology to have long-distance dates that involve virtual physical intimacy.
Send each other suggestive texts or talk on the phone to relive your last real encounter. Maybe even mail old-fashioned love letters that spell out your desires and fantasies.
16. Avoid tempting situations.
If you are committed to maintaining your long distance relationship, then don't put yourself in situations where you are tempted to stray.
Yes, it does get lonely, and it is challenging to be so far apart. Yes, there are many other attractive and interesting people who surround you every day.
But if you compromise the trust and integrity of your commitment, then your relationship won't survive.
17. Be a “safe space” for each other.
The emotional intimacy and security you create for one another will help protect your long distance relationship from the challenges you face being apart.
Says Chris Prentiss, author of The Laws of Love: Creating the Relationship of Your Dreams, “Creating Safe Space requires nothing less than becoming the kind of person who looks with perfect equanimity on the shortcomings of your loved one – the kind of person who sees the seeming mistakes, omissions, blunders, failures, and even the intentional hurts and transgressions and makes them all okay.”
When you offer this safe space, you empower each other to be authentic, secure, and completely honest. You both feel accepted, cherished, and embraced even when you're miles apart.
18. Do something surprising.
Did you know that being surprised activates the pleasure centers in your brain? Novelty, mystery, and a feeling of anticipation builds excitement and attraction by increasing dopamine levels.
Surprising each other can enhance your long distance connection and protect it from the “out of sight, out of mind” infection that occurs when boredom and loneliness sets in.
You need predictability and comfort to build trust in your relationship, but too much predictability can be boring and bland.
Do something unexpected and out-of-the-blue for your partner when you are apart. Send a singing telegram or a care package. Create a CD of love songs or send your favorite sweatshirt for your guy or woman to sleep with.
The ultimate surprise? Show up at your lover's door unannounced and deliver the sweatshirt yourself.
19. Never assume.
If you begin to feel disconnected or maybe a little paranoid that your partner is pulling away, don't assume that things are on the skids.
It's hard to read your partner's moods and reactions when there are miles between you. What you might be reading into a certain tone of voice or fewer daily texts could just mean he or she is having a bad day.
Rather than assuming the worst, check in with your partner in a non-accusatory way. You might ask, “You seem a little distant. Is everything good between us?”
Keep the lines of communication open so you don't fret about things that may not be true.
20. Have a plan for being together permanently.
A long-distance relationship is not an ideal permanent situation, at least not for most couples.
If you want to build a life together and remained a committed couple, you need to be in the same location.
Having an open-ended date for being together is unsustainable. According to some statistics, 70 percent of long distance relationships break up when the couple has no plans for changes in the situation.
Discuss how long you can handle living far apart before you make a decision about being together for good — or at least living in the same city.
If you are married or engaged, have a plan for ensuring you are together as soon as possible so you have a solid date to look forward to.
The good news is that many studies show that long distance relationships can be happy and satisfying, especially if the couple maintains a positive attitude about the situation.
If you and your partner work to stay connected, committed, and optimistic about the success of your relationship, your time apart might even bring you closer.



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See You At The Top,
Joseph Montes




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